Saturday, March 22, 2008

Today it wouldn't turn off.....

My brain. It wouldn't let me just enjoy my run. The first and last miles are always the hardest for me. I live for those moments in the middle.... that minute when I forget I'm running, and just feel the crisp wind on my face, the fresh air in my lungs, take in the view, and know I'm alive, and it feels good.

Lately, the middle moments have been getting longer, and with each run, I look forward to when I reach that point of forgetfulness... forgetting the pain I'm feeling, the troubles I'm facing, the stress I'm handling, and all the self doubt that creeps in daily. I really felt like I was coming into my own, and becoming the runner-- and woman-- I always thought I was. But, today threw a wrench in my wheel of progress. So, what did I do? I quit. I got in my car, in the middle of my run after 4 and a half miles, and quit. Real heroic, right? Instead of pushing through it like I always do and telling myself it too would pass, suddenly, my chest started to close, and it became hard to breathe. But it didn't have anything to do with my physical fitness.... the lung collapse had to do with my heart, and the pain of going through a personal struggle I'm not sure I'll make it out of. And suddenly, my regular escape of running became too much of a burden, and I couldn't see the metaphorical finish line in sight, for my run, or my life. So, I gave up. Like a coward. And I feel like a failure in every sense of the word.

Monday I'm going to make up for it... go somewhere in the canyon, and hope to get my middle-moment-magic back. (And, pray a cougar doesn't attack me in the process. Damn my job, always conjuring up fears of armed robberies, crashing planes, and now, of course I did a story last week on freaking cougar attacks. Just what I needed.)

I'm going to go and buy some new running shoes so I can break them in on our 22 miler next weekend, and just try to have faith in myself.... faith in my ability to stick to this goal. Faith that I can make wise decisions, both personally and professionally. And faith that I am still on track to becoming the person I want to be. Somewhere along the line, I've lost that confidence I used to wear so proudly, and I'm trying to get it back. I just hope I can find my way.

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