Saturday, April 12, 2008

The Official Breakdown...

So I have always heard how emotional marathons were. I never actually realized that until I was involved myself. So, last night was my official meltdown.

It happened at about 11:00 at night. I had just taken a melatonin and gotten into bed. I knew that I wouldn't be falling asleep right away. I had an almost angry feeling, and it was so all over the place that I couldn't explain it.

Earlier this week, as many of you know, I went to what I thought was a sports medicine doctor to treat my pain in the sides of my knees. I was really looking forward to someone who would validate me and what I was doing and tell me that he would do everything he could (that day, even) to help me get ready for this race.

I should have known when I got meanie pants receptionists when I called to make my appointment that this was the wrong guy. I should have known when they didn't tell me what to wear or how long to plan on being there, or anything that this was the wrong guy. The bottom line is: he was the wrong guy. He only spent 5 minutes with me, told me that running isn't fun, and then told me to make another appointment for Tuesday. I was frustrated- did you really make me find a babysitter, run all around town, pay my co-pay to tell me you'll see me next week?!? Do you realize the marathon is next week??? I want freaking results now!!!!

My frustration turned into anger and quite honestly jealousy when I found out that Jen found this amazing guru that made all her problems go away. I was happy for her, but for some reason I was angry. I don't mean to sound like a psycho, but I'm just trying to be honest for the sake of my posterity. She told me that it was fine and that we live in America and I could see him too (not an actual quote), but it's too freaking late. I will call Monday, but I feel like it's too freaking late.

These negative feelings were also perpetuated by my newest pain the day after my dr. visit. My kneecaps were hurting so bad from absolutely nothing. I hadn't run the past two days, and now my knees were hurting in a completely different spot to the point that I couldn't bend my legs. What the crap.

So fast forward to last night again- 11:30. I got into bed and immediately got out ready to punch something. I went downstairs and sat on my couch and let out a cry that I hadn't let out since right before I got my epidural for my first child. It was an ugly cry for sure- with boogers, snot...the works.

So many emotions were swirling through my head. Utter frustration that my body isn't cooperating, my ego getting in the way because I told so many people and I might not be able to finish, nervousness and sadness that only 2 out our 6 will be running the full. I wanted to scream out loud but I couldn't. I heard my husband come down the stairs and I was glad. He is great at making me feel better at times like these.

The truth is though, few people know what I'm going through. I hope our fellow readers can forgive me for my weakness, and more than anything I hope you know what I'm going through. What a bond you are able to forge with someone when you are both doing such a momentous thing. We have a greater ability to just understand. I guess that's what I wanted my doctor to do, and I guess that's what I want everybody to do.

The marathon is such a unique test of character, will, and ego. I am finding that I just have to let mine go (it's huge) and do the best that I can knowing that regardless of what happens, I am forever changed from this experience and that I'm a better everything for it.

Here's to our last week before the race. I hope everyone reaches their own personal goals and has a safe, amazing week before the big day!!

Cheers.

5 comments:

Jen said...

Okay Missy, it's not too freaking late, so quit FREAKING OUT! Want me to go with you? Make the appointment for the first half of the day, tell them the urgency because of the race, and wear your running clothes. They will fit you in. And, everything will be fine. I promise! I have a good feeling about you and me, babe. We two fullers will get through this week and the race! And, we'll look foxy doing it!

Anne said...

Kera, I'm so sorry that dumb sports medicine doctor wasn't able to resolve your knee issues, and that new problems are popping up. I just want to punch him so bad!

I totally understand what you are going through, with my training/marathon turning out much like yours. It's so frustrating (and so many other emotions) to work so hard, put in so much effort, sacrifice so much only to have it fall apart, or at least not unfold the way we hope and plan for it to.

Even now I'm struggling with different pains in my legs, and I'm not even running as often and as long as I was back then. It makes me so mad that our bodies don't cooperate with us in our efforts to be strong and healthy.

I would say (in my humble, and not medically certified, opinion) that you should spend this week resting and icing your knees, as well as taking anti-inflammatories if you can. I would even say don't even try to run. You need to give your knees some time to recover so they can be on their best behavior on Saturday. Best of luck to you. I will be thinking about you and all of your friends come Saturday.

PS, my word verification is knend...which looks to me like knee end, which makes me think that you're going to make it to the end, in spite of your knees. :)

Erin said...

Kera,

I just want you to know that you and your entire crew have totally inspired me. I know that you are frustrated, but I just want you to know that you are awesome! Remember that the journey counts even more than race day. I think it does anyway. Look what you have done and how far you have come. You will be ready.

Erin

Ang said...

Kera,

I hope you get this figured out so your mind can rest, and your body can feel better!!! I think Jen is right. It's not to late. Go with her on Monday and let us know what happens with the magic guy!!

M&M said...

Kera,

Good luck tomorrow! I am so sorry with how awful your appointment was. I will be thinking about you and I hope it gets figured out. You are awesome and I have loved reading your journey.